Parent Survival Guide
Unfortunately, children and young people don’t come with a manual and it is often hard to know what course of action is best when your child’s behaviour changes and you start to worry about them.
Don’t blame yourself; it can be very difficult to deal with stressful situations. Hopefully this guide will help you start of think of ways you can help.
If you don't find what you need on this page, please take a look at our Helping You Help Yourself page we have written for children and young people for advice on specific issues and general wellbeing
Things to consider
Be clear to set boundaries. We all need to know where the line is drawn and without boundaries life can be confusing. Don’t be afraid to be clear about what is acceptable or not and be consistent. Being a parent might mean making unpopular decisions but your role is to keep your children safe.
As children get older it is normal to expect some behaviour changes. Teenager’s brains are wired differently from adults. The frontal cortex which is the part of the brain used to manage emotions, make decisions, reason and control inhibitions is restructured during the teenage years. The whole brain does not reach full maturity until about the mid 20s.
Hormones on top of these physical changes can further complicate things. Whilst these biological differences does not absolve them from responsibility for their behaviour it does help explain by teenagers behave impulsively or frustrate parents with poor decisions, social anxiety and rebelliousness. Understanding teenage development will help you to understand why they are behaving.
Teenagers are trying to establish their own identity and may be more influenced by their peers than by their parents. This may lead to more arguments and a withdrawal from family life to spend more time with their friends.
Hormones and developmental changes can often lead to mood swings and an inability to cope with their own emotions. It is a really important time for you to show your teenager that you are there for them. They more than ever need your positive attention and to feel loved.
As human beings we model others behaviours. If you get angry with your child they will also act in a negative way. The same can be said in reverse. If your child is acting in a negative way towards you, and you respond in a similar way, you will very quickly find that you are stuck in a negative cycle of behaviour.
Your child or young person needs to know that your love and support for them is unconditional and that they can talk to you about anything. Let them know that they are not alone with their problems.
It can be very difficult to talk to those closest to you and if your child is finding it difficult to talk to you, see if they would prefer to write things down, record a vlog (private video log) or find someone that is safe for them to open up to such as a teacher, relative, GP etc.
Encourage your child to keep a diary of how they feel, what their sleep pattern is. It may be that you will be able to find some patterns in the diary that can be solved but at the very least it will be beneficial for them if a referral is made to mental health services.
Children age 6-13 need 9-11 hours’ sleep a day
Teenagers are recommended to have 8-10 hours sleep, not more than 11.
Children and Young People need significantly more sleep than Adults to support their rapid mental and physical development.
Sleep routine is important for all of us to feel refreshed and motivated. If your child is not going to bed until the early hours of the morning they won’t be able to wake up until late morning. Encourage your child to go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each morning.
To get a good night’s sleep it needs to be dark – ban electrical equipment from being used whist in bed – that’s no phones, TV’s, iPad, electronic games etc. Apart from the over stimulation when you’re trying to relax, light from these items prevent Melatonin production. Melatonin is produced in the body to control our natural sleep-wake cycles.
There are conditions which affect the amount of sleep a child or young person has. These include Autism, ADHD, Sleep Apnoea and some physical conditions that make sleep difficult. It is important to watch out for significant changes to sleep pattern. Excessive sleep beyond normal teenage tiredness or difficulty in sleeping (insomnia) may be due to depression, substance use or anxiety and if you are concerned speak to your GP.
If you would like further guidance, or ideas as to how to help with sleep problems, please visit these links;
- Sleep self-help from 'Moodjuice'
- Sleep self-help from 'GetSelfHelp'
- 'A good night guide' by the sleep council
Watch what your child/young person eats and drinks. Avoid excessive eating or drinking just before bed. But a light snack before bed may help them to get a good night’s sleep.
Caffeine can cause sleep problems up to 10-12 hours after drinking it.
Encourage exercise on a daily basis – regular exercise helps you sleep better and feel less sleepy during the day. It can take several months of regular activity to experience full sleep promoting benefits
Get outside – Access to the outside during daylight hours will help your child to feel more awake and encourage a normal melatonin cycle.
Having a good bedtime routine will help your child/young person to relax. Encourage them to read a book, take a bath, listen to music/books, write a diary.
As more and more children and young people use social media and play out their lives online, the importance of teaching young people to stay safe online grows. We appreciate this can be an understandable source of anxiety for parents, so we've collated some guides and helpful information to hopefully help you navigate this
It's normal to have mixed or shocked feelings if your child has come out and/or shared that they identify as LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning) community and/or is questioning their sexuality and gender identity. It is important you give yourself time to make sense of this information and access the help you need, which will better enable you to support your child/young person.
We understand that the variance and terminology used within the LGBTQ+ community to describe sexuality, gender identity a may initally be confusing. There are some handy information booklets/sheets that could help with this- though it is always valuable to talk directly with your child/young person to explore the label they use to describe their experiences, how this relates to them, and how they make sense of this.
- Stonewall Youth - explaining sexual orientation.
- Stonewall Youth- explaining gender identity
- Stonewall- glossary of LGBTQ+ terms
- Genderbread man infograph- gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, sexual orignation
Some young people at Lincolnshire Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) who identify as LGBTQ+ came together to create a LGBTQ+ Tips for Parents booklet, based entirely on their own experiences, and recognising the important role that parents/carers play.
You may have a child/young person who has shared that they are struggling to make sense of their gender identity and are starting to question this. In these instances there is support out there to help both you and your child/young person.
- The HodgePodge support group is a Think2Speak's trans youth group open to transgender or gender questioning young children age 13 and under, their families and carers. This group is based in Gainsborough.
- The TPlus support group is a Think2Speak's trans youth group for young people age 12-17 who are transgender or gender questioning. This group is based in Gainsborough.
- The Mermaids website – is a supportive website that helps Young People and their families in the face of adversity, specialising in gender identification issues.
The Royal College of Psychiatry have useful information leaflets and guides for parents on specific mental health difficulties. These were written in partnership with professionals and young people.